Underneath Politics: The Best in Political, Entertainment & Sports News

Ranger Relief Pitchers Paranoid after Bullpen Coach Laughs Hysterically Throughout Conversation with Dugout

New York - During a game versus the New York Yankees, the struggling Texas Ranger relief pitchers were incredibly shaken by a telephone conversation between Ranger Bullpen Coach Dom Chiti and someone in the dugout, Underneath Sports has learned. "It started out as a routine phone call to the bullpen," said Ranger closer C.J. Wilson. "It was the sixth inning and reliever Joaquin Benoit was beginning to struggle against the very potent Yankee offense. Since it appeared to be time for a pitching change we didn't think anything of the bullpen phone ringing. We continued to be under the impression everything was normal until Chiti started laughing hysterically." Full Story>>>

New Allegations of Iraqi Prisoner Abuse: Detainees Forced to Watch Every Episode of Friends; Not Allowed to See if Ross and Rachel End Up Together

Baghdad - In an unprecedented move by any branch of the United States military, the Army recently requested that Warner Bros. Television, producers of the hit situation comedy, Friends, send 200 DVD copies of every episode to Iraq, Underneath Politics has learned. Warner Bros. naturally assumed the discs were being used to improve the morale amongst U.S. soldiers fighting overseas. "Though virtually everyone in our employ opposed military action in the Middle East, we were happy that a television program we produced was being used to provide laughter to our troops fighting for America's freedom," said Warner Bros. President Alan Horn. Full Story>>>

Video Game Designer Forces Children to Play Mini Game for Lunch Money

Redwood City, CA – Those immediately related to Electronic Arts Senior Programmer Pedro Neil has grown increasingly tired of the family patriarch bringing his work home, announcing that it has become extraordinarily difficult for the Neil clan to lead normal lives, Underneath Hollywood has learned. "He's become impossible to live with," wife Janet Neil said. "He hides our important possessions and the only way for us to get them back is by searching every square inch of the house or completing a series of tasks comparable to what those in the video game world refer to as "mini-games," such as running through the house collecting all the loose change from beneath sofa and armchair cushions." Full Story>>>

Pitching Coach Forgets What He Was Going to Say on Way to Mound

Boston - During a 12-1 drubbing at the hands of the Boston Red Sox things became so out of control that Oriole Pitching Coach Rick Kranitz lost his train of thought on the way to the mound for a visit with pitcher Radhames Liz, Underneath Sports has learned. "I suppose I was distracted by all the runs being scored by Boston that my mind went completely blank," Mr. Kranitz said after the game. "I didn't remember if I had gone to the mound to try and pep Liz up, give him instructions on how to retire the next hitter or ask him how much he had left in his arm." "What was I going to say? What was I going to say?" Mr. Kranitz silently asked himself after arriving on the mound, before kicking dirt around in an attempt to waste time. Full Story>>>

If Your Faith is so Strong, Why All the Campouts?

By Sarah Laimbeer

I do not believe in a higher power and am going on a campout with other people who do not believe in a higher power so we can reaffirm our faith that there is no ultimate creator. If the above sentence seems ridiculous to you, how can the sentence, "I believe in God and am going on a campout with other people in my church to reaffirm our faith in God," be reasonable? If you people have such strong faith, why do you go to such lengths to make sure you don't stray? I believe mankind is ruining the environment and future generations will pay the price for our selfish actions, and I will continue to believe that, despite the fact that I've never pitched a tent with someone who feels exactly the same way. Full Story>>>

Fourth of July Hampered for Many Americans Who Hoped to Be Rich by Now

Boise, ID - For many in America the Fourth of July is about fireworks, barbeques and celebrating the pride they feel for their country. For others it's a tragic reminder that the United States has not provided them with the vast wealth they have always desired. "I don't understand why everyone uses the 4th to celebrate the good America has to offer when its policies haven't led to everyone amassing exactly as much money as they'd hoped," said waiter Jerold Payton. "Don't remind me I'm free to live the life I choose when the life I choose has not led to the accumulation of millions of dollars." Full Story>>>

U.S. General: Iraqi Army Ready to Inspire Screwball Comedy

Baghdad - General David Petraeus, in charge of the American war effort in Iraq, acknowledges that the Iraqi Army is not adequately trained for the country to remain secure should the United States withdraw its troops. It is, however, equipped to inspire a screwball comedy that would delight American and Iraqi audiences alike, Underneath Politics has learned. "The Iraq Army has a lot of work to do, there's no doubt about that," the General said. "But they have shown enough progress to where a Hollywood writer could draft a humorous screenplay about a single unit that gets their act together enough to do something heroic in the end." Full Story>>>

Quentin Tarantino Pitches Horrible Idea for a Movie

Hollywood - Proving that even the best of us can struggle in our field of expertise, superstar filmmaker Quentin Tarantino has come up with a horrible idea for a movie, Underneath Hollywood has learned. "It's a political thriller/zombie movie that revolves around Washington DC being attacked by flesh eating zombies that have teamed up with angry Gitmo terrorist detainees who the zombies freed from captivity, all right," Mr. Tarantino pitched to a stunned producer who wasn't sure if the Pulp Fiction director was serious. "See the movie is set towards the end of the Bush Presidency and of course he's all gung-ho about grabbing his trusty six-shooter and mowing down some zombies himself, all right. Full Story>>>

Laura Bush Loves One Daughter Slightly More Than the Other

Washington - Despite the fact that Presidential Daughter Jenna was the first to wed, making her the most likely candidate to bear a child within the next couple of years, reports out of Washington indicate that First Lady Laura Bush secretly loves daughter Barbara slightly more than her counterpart. "I've suspected it for years," a friend of Jenna's admitted in an interview. "Mrs. Bush would always say things to Jenna like, 'Barbara wouldn't talk back,' or 'if both my daughters were like Barbara, I wouldn't have to spend so much time at the beauty salon having my hair colored.' The friend recalled one night when the tension level was at its peak. "Jenna wanted to wear an outfit that Mrs. Bush considered too revealing. They got into a huge fight and Mrs. Bush screamed that Barbara would never want to wear such a skimpy dress. Jenna responded by saying that she was just as good as Barbara in every way. Then Mrs. Bush started doing her best Lloyd Bentsen impression and said, 'Jenna, I raised Barbara. I know Barbara. Barbara is a daughter of mine. Jenna, you're no Barbara.'"

President Bush Delivers Perfectly Timed "I Picked the Wrong Term to Quit Drinking" Joke

Washington - During an intense meeting with key aides President George W. Bush had everyone in stitches after breaking the tension by delivering a perfectly timed joke inspired by the hit comedy movie Airplane, Underneath Politics has learned. "It was brilliant," said an aide on the condition of anonymity. "We were talking about Iran's nuclear capabilities and had reached an impasse. President Bush slammed his pen on the table, looked everyone square in the eye before saying, 'I picked the wrong term to quit drinking.' I swear, milk came out of everyone's nose it was so funny." Reports indicate President Bush's staffers tried to top his one liner throughout the meeting, but none were successful. "People tried the old, 'I picked the wrong term to quit sniffing glue,' and 'I picked the wrong term to quit amphetamines,' but they just didn't have the same surprise as the President's line, obviously because he said it first." Reportedly the meeting ended abruptly when someone crossed the line by quipping, "look like I picked the wrong term to quit whoring out my daughter."

Paris Hilton Asked "Hot Hot or Spicy Hot" after Reciting Catch Phrase

Beverly Hills – While dining at a stylish Beverly Hills eatery socialite Paris Hilton recited her famous catch phrase, "That's Hot." Tiffany Chambers, an acquaintance of Ms. Hilton, was under the impression the hotel heiress was speaking about the food, Underneath Hollywood has learned. "Hot hot or spicy hot?" she asked Ms. Hilton, who was actually referring to her new handbag. "I don't know, it's like both kinds of hot," Ms. Hilton responded, before turning to another friend for support. "Yeah Tiffany, when Paris says something is hot, the kind of hotness she's referring to is implied. Quit asking stupid questions."

Conservative Think Tank Over-Thinks Lunch Order

Washington - Employees of the Conservative think tank, The Heritage Foundation, made their lunch order much more complicated than it needed to be Friday by over-thinking where they should order from, what time they should order and what menu items they should select after deciding where to order, Underneath Politics has learned. "The Chinese place always screws everything up," said Heritage Foundation Receptionist Debra Cambridge. "The Mexican place takes forever and the Italian place has lousy garlic bread," she continued. Lawrence Lott, Assistant to Heritage Foundation President Edwin Feulner, reasoned that if they ordered from the burger joint down the street, there would be an 88% chance everyone would conclude the meal in better than average spirits. "The burger place is overwhelmingly accurate, right down to how long they cook the burgers in accordance with our exact specifications," Mr. Lott said. "If past experiences hold to form, the food will be here approximately 35-minutes after we order it and nearly 90% of us will be completely satisfied with the overall experience. My fellow Heritage employees not satisfied will only be mildly annoyed due to the meat being a tad on the fatty side, the order lacking a few French fries or the restaurant not sending an adequate number of ketchup packets and other condiment related foodstuffs."

Little League World Series to Halt Beer Sales After the First Out

Williamsport, PA - In an effort to curb youth alcoholism, vendors at the 2008 Little League World Series will abide by a new policy which calls for beer sales to be halted after the first out of each game, Underneath Sports has learned. "If you give those kids long enough, they will find a way to get some beer from somebody," Little League World Series spokesman Ted Glubney said. "By halting beer sales after the first out we are making sure responsible parents have the chance to quickly guzzle a couple beers to get a good buzz going, which will in turn make watching Little League baseball tolerable." The parents understand why the new policy is in place and most embrace it. "It helps both children and parents," said Little League mother Betty Montgomery. "If your child wins the Little League World Series it would be regrettable to run onto the field in a drunken stupor while loudly directing deeply offensive statements regarding the eye shape of the children on the foreign team your child just defeated before you desperately search for an appropriate receptacle to expel the $8.00 box of Cracker Jacks you just inhaled."