Underneath Politics: The Best in Political, Entertainment & Sports News

Quentin Tarantino Pitches Horrible Idea for a Movie

Hollywood - Proving that even the best of us can struggle in our field of expertise, superstar filmmaker Quentin Tarantino has come up with a horrible idea for a movie, Underneath Hollywood has learned. "It's a political thriller/zombie movie that revolves around Washington DC being attacked by flesh eating zombies that have teamed up with angry Gitmo terrorist detainees who the zombies freed from captivity, all right," Mr. Tarantino pitched to a stunned producer who wasn't sure if the Pulp Fiction director was serious. "See, the movie is set towards the end of the Bush Presidency and of course he's all gung-ho about grabbing his trusty six-shooter and mowing down some zombies himself, all right. A six-shooter, by the way, that violated DC anti-handgun laws until the Supreme Court overturned the ban, okay. So it's like political, all right. It's a political zombie movie; a new genre I invented all by myself, okay. Then Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld, et al, come back to the White House and declare their loyalty by saying, 'We'll join you, Mr. President!'" Full Story>>>

A Guilt Free Life

By Sarah Laimbeer

One thing we can all be assured of is that everyone who is alive gets one life. I am of the belief that the one life should be enjoyed. Guilt hinders enjoyment. Why people want to take what little time they have to feel guilty about doing things common sense says are okay to do is beyond me. Especially when the entity that gave you the urge to do something is the entity you believe is harshly judging you for doing whatever it is that they gave you the urge to do. If you're not harming anyone, don't feel bad about an action. Don't feel guilty about waking up with a hangover on Sunday morning. Sure, your body is a temple, but what good is having a temple if you can't throw a party every once in a while? Full Story>>>

President Clinton on His Actions During the Lewinsky Scandal: "What Can I Say, I'm a Leo"

New York - Hoping to boost his wife's struggling presidential bid, former President Bill Clinton finally sat down for an exclusive interview on his thoughts regarding the Lewinsky scandal. When asked about his immoral actions during his time in the White House he offered a very simple explanation: "What can I say, I'm a Leo. Leo's are people who revolt against the status quo, having sex in the Oval Office is not something most presidents do. By having sex in the Oval Office I was revolting against the status quo, which is not my fault, because I'm a Leo and that's what Leo's do," the former President said. "About Leo's, it says this," Clinton continued. "'Their faults can be as large in scale as their virtues.' So obviously I could not help but do what I did and then lie about it. My virtues are huge, so my faults are as well. Not by my own weakness, but by the way the stars are aligned." President Clinton pointed out that Leo's were also known for their lust for power and extreme sexual urges. "It's right there in black and white," the former President said while aggressively pointing to something from an astrology website he printed out prior to the interview. "It's in the stars! I'm helpless when it comes to this kind of stuff."

I'm Sorry

By Raymond Winthorpe Coleman IV

As President Obama sat laughing at Wanda Sykes' joke about hoping Rush Limbaugh's kidneys fail, it occurred to me that the 44th President of the United States would also like some part of my body to break down. Sure, I don't posses the power Mr. Limbaugh holds, but I strongly assume President Obama would be thrilled to see an obituary filled with dead conservatives. The reason it's acceptable to wish that a great plague hits the GOP, is because those in pop culture have done a good job in portraying conservatives as evil swine. In hopes that people with whom we disagree stop wishing us dead, I would like to apologize on behalf of my fellow conservative. Full Story>>>

I'm a Staunch Conservative Democrat

By Raymond Winthorpe Coleman IV

Since there are no words I love to hear more than, "This is what I think you should do," I'm going to tell the Democrats what I would do to improve their political party. Actually, because liberals are calling themselves Republicans nowadays, I'm going to switch parties, but still hold onto my strong conservative beliefs. Sure a Democrat won the last Presidential election and we control the U.S. Congress, but that's only because the economy tanked during the 2008 race and Americans are still squeamish when it comes to defending our freedom. I hate to say it, but, despite the great and powerful President Obama occupying the White House, the economy isn't exactly getting any better. And we Democrats can't blame that rotten George W. Bush too much longer, now can we? Full Story>>>

God Wasn't a Worker

By Sarah Laimbeer

As a plethora of atheists have touched on many times, organized religion is full of wonderful contradictions that even the most learned scholars cannot properly explain. Perhaps this is trivial, but I still can't figure out why a being that has no limitations needed to take a day off after creating the world. "Wow guys, I'm beat - I'm going to spend Sunday taking it easy," aren't words you'd normally equate with the Almighty. Yet on the seventh day He rested. But why? He wanted you to take one day and do nothing but worship him, so He took one day off and did nothing but worship Himself? If He's God, why didn't He just tell you to take a day off! Isn't that one of the requirements of being a Christian: that you must do what He says!? Full Story>>>

Republicans Itching to Send "Blood is on Your Hands" Email to Obama Voters

Detroit - With each passing day, conservative Mike Higgins becomes more and more annoyed at what he perceives to be the weakness of the Obama administration. Absolutely certain another attack on U.S. soil is immanent, Mr. Higgins has drafted an email indicating everyone who voted for Barack Obama during the 2008 Presidential Election is responsible for the carnage. If a terrorist attack occurs, he will quickly send the email to all of his friends who voted for Mr. Obama, Underneath Politics has learned. "We all knew Obama would make America soft," Mr. Higgins said. "From releasing memos that pinpoint exactly what harsh interrogation techniques we use, to doing away with the prison in Guantanamo Bay, to our president bending over backward to appease those wishing to do us harm - it's just a matter of time before we again face the wrath of the Islamic jihadists. Full Story>>>

GOP Slams Pro-Obama Obama Family Newsletter

Washington - Conservative pundits today lashed out at the Obama Family Newsletter, a publication written entirely by a staff of ardent Obama supporters; the primary contributors being President Obama's two daughters who receive assistance from their uber-liberal mother, Underneath Politics has learned. "While 90% of journalists working for major newspapers across the country are left-leaning, a whopping three out of three people responsible for the Obama Family Newsletter actively campaigned for then-Senator Obama during his attempt to win the Presidential election," said GOP Chairman Michael Steele who is often bothered by the content of the newsletter. "Everything Mr. Obama does is reported to be an achievement of epic proportions," Mr. Steele continued. "Whether he's off in a foreign land 'trying to make friends with people who haven't been very nice,' or telling Americans, 'we should treat Mother Earth with more respect,' he's always doing something monumental." Mr. Steele only wants a little balance to the bi-annual publication. "The readership is dwindling, and not just because it's difficult getting mail to Obama family members currently living in squalor in Africa. No, it's also because his readers want to see opposing points of view - not propaganda."

President Obama Proposes Reducing Work Week

Washington - Insisting the country would benefit from a reduction in hours worked, President Barack Obama has proposed making Wednesday a weekly holiday, Underneath Politics has learned. "Working Monday and Tuesday, then taking Wednesday off, before returning Thursday and Friday, would undoubtedly raise the morale of our citizens," the President stated. "Instead of everyone saying, 'Can you believe it's only Monday,' everyone would say, 'Thank goodness there's only more day until Wednesday.'. And I am of the belief that turning negative phrases into positive ones will help us all through this recession." Business leaders question the move from a productivity standpoint. "Just like we don't need to get out of the recession by spending more, it will be impossible to increase much needed productivity by working less," said American Entrepreneurs Agency Executive Director J. Van Wingo. But President Obama stands behind his assertion that less work is exactly what the American people need. "'Increased productivity' and 'fiscal responsibility' are just buzz words Republicans use when they are in the minority," he said. "So what if you decrease your output by a few units, at least with the extra time everyone will have to shop you'll be able sell the ones you produce on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday."

NBA Referee Fined $25,000 for Being Too Hard on Himself

New York - In accordance with their strict policy that forbids anyone in the league from criticizing referees, NBA Commissioner David Stern has fined longtime official Joe Forte $25,000 for being way too hard on himself after overseeing a game between the Atlanta Hawks and Cleveland Cavaliers, Underneath Sports has learned. "After looking at the tape I realized I blew a couple of easy calls. I felt good during warm up but didn't get the job done, which is unacceptable. I vow to never let such mistakes happen again," Mr. Forte admitted to his fellow referees. Mr. Stern said that any acknowledgment NBA referees are not Christ-like while officiating games is worthy of a hefty fine. "Though I'm Jewish and don't believe Jesus to be my savior, I am familiar with the Christian notion that He is perfect. Well I want every NBA fan to view referees as Christians view Christ, and because the Bible never attributes Jesus to saying things like, 'On my fourth attempt I finally was able to turn water into wine' or, 'In trying to heal a man who bled from his ears I inadvertently gave his neighbors leprosy,' Mr. Forte's comments are in violation of league policy."

President Obama Not Sure Whom to Ask for a Raise

Washington - In these trying economic times, even the President of the United States is in need of a financial boost. Unfortunately the new Commander in Chief is unsure who to ask for a bump in salary, Underneath Politics has learned. "Though his immensely successful books have softened the blow, President Obama still requires a raise in order to meet the tuition demands of his daughter's private school as well as to put a little away for their college," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. The problem is that President Obama is not sure who would grant such a raise, seeing as how he is in charge of every bureaucrat in Washington. "You always hear about Congress giving Congress a raise, so I assume he would ask them, but does he go to a specific senator or congressperson? (Nancy) Pelosi? (Harry) Reid? Does he go to a Congressional Committee? We even Googled, 'Who does the President ask for a raise,' and got back a bunch of responses having to do with increasing ethanol limits, which didn't help us one whit," Mr. Gibbs finished.